Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize