I want to make a zoo with you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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