Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
and she was petting her beer can
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
