I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize