Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
