My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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