he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
