He asked to "fluff my boner.."
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize