I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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