I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
