I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
