Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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