I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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