he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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