I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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