I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
