As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
