dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
