I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
