My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
don't judge my taste in strippers
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
