This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize