I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
