I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
