Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
