so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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