Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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