i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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