He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
