im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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