It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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