Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
