it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
