just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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