There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
