I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
