i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
