We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
