i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize