i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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