if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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