Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
