..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
