I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
