theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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