I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
