you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize