none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
barbara walters just said penis...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's shark week go big or go home
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
