Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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