meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
