i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
