We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
