True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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