I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
