Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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