i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He better not be in your backpack
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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