I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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