Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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