i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
