this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
