remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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