I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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