Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
