Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
