I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
