I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He passed out mid-signature
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
