We need to rekindle our bromance
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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