My liver just broke up with me...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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