Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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